(photos of 'I want to paint a face', an art project I did in my very first term here, in collaboration with Zuzana)
Sitting outside on one of my last days here, I've realised that there's a wealth of things left unwritten/documented/forgotten in the rush of a stream of experiences and changes. Considering the limitations of luggage allowance, I have been sifting (and resifting) through notes and items, selecting the most 'valuable/useful' ones and having to decide on whether I'd ever look back at my Hindi notebook at home. I often find myself attributing or attaching memories to objects, and in owning the physical thinking I own the memory as concretely too, so the choices I'm making now are difficult and also an interesting reflection of what I now perceive as important - I am not going to need any chemistry notes in the future, but taking my (chai-stained) notebook along with me is something I would like and perhaps even need to do, especially as I'm leaving so much (metaphorically as well as physically) behind in this place I've given and gotten two years from.
Over coffee and chocolate, both imported in yellow parcels from a mother in Germany, I had a long conversation with my roommate and housemate today. It was along the lines of questions I've thought of and have heard raised in various forums during the two years out here; what do we base our self-worth on, what does a grade say about us and what value do and should we give to it? How do we perceive intelligence, smart people or admire others, and on what basis?
Especially having just finished all my exams early, and under the impression that I may have underperformed, do I regret not working as hard as I may have needed to, can I even assume that I have a capacity that I did not achieve and does it even matter?
Ultimately, the decisions to not attend class, which I made multiple times over the course of the year, my preference to sit in the art centre, talk to people all night, or even choose to attend all the music events and not study for a test, were what I made and perhaps not with the greatest consideration of consequences. The dichotomies of wanting to do so much and the conflicts between what I expected and got, were very much things I struggled with, but also what was incredibly important to pick up on. Who was I working for - me, others, my perception of what others would expect, or just for what I enjoyed?
Particularly in conjunction with chemistry this year, I found myself frequently wondering why I was less than engaging with something that was in certain aspects so relevant and intriguing and learn-able. A week ago, I began to truly study, quite probably for the first time in my two years here, and it wasn't fun to realise how little I had done, but I found it was possible, and preferable, for me to learn/revise in two weeks, and I had managed to do what I had wanted to at moments in the past. Going on exeats, making more art pieces, seeing concerts and being part of more committees and activities than the minimum required did mean consolidation in other areas, and it's taken me a while to consolidate my compromises and accept my own disappointments and decisions that may have been detrimental, but I feel like this was to some extent the crux of what I had to learn here.
And although I may not feel this way all the time, I can only look back and not alter a thing anymore.
So I'm glad for everything that was difficult, utter crap, beautiful and tiresome.
And maybe I'll write a more 'I'm in India!' post soon (:
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